Revealing Projections: I think that you think...about me.
The biggest avenues for conflict are misunderstandings…worse off, the biggest avenues for unresolved conflict are unchecked misunderstandings. Misunderstandings left unspoken potentially lead to resentment and ultimately unnecessary future conflict. One way of nipping conflict in the bud is to check your own truth and assumptions around the conflict. I have recently experienced several moments where I needed to check my truth by checking in with the next person if what I was assuming was true. Funnily enough, two incidents were triggered by Facebook. Without going into too much detail about what the misunderstandings were about, the essence of each of the situations was about me needing to get a clearer picture before assuming ‘I think that you think…about me’. Through this process I realized my own projections and in this, revealed truth around my defenses.
In Psychology, projections are defined as unconscious qualities that one might project onto others as a defense mechanism in order to manage what you actually feel or think about yourself. So, if you’re an angry person, you might find yourself accusing other people of being angry all the time. Projections also work in a positive direction too: one might always see others as beautiful, talented etc. but deny this within themselves. Going a bit deeper, projections also show up what we actually feel about ourselves. It’s easy to remain stuck by assuming that others think a certain way about us. One way to reveal these sneaky and sometimes self-destructive projection patterns, is to start checking-in with others what they actually feel about you or about something you have done.
With my Facebook incidents, I read a lot into comments made on a Facebook post. Before responding/reacting, I started feeling a well of emotions and assuming where the other person is coming from. I started to get frustrated and created a much bigger story around what I think the other person thinks of me. Something in me stopped myself and decided to send these two people voice notes to check my stories against their truth. This saved me a lot of mental & emotional energy. The one response showed that I was completely off, the other showed that I was partly correct in my assumption. Either way, these interactions had the following effects:
Opened up meaningful dialogue between me and my two friends
Deepened intimacy with these two friends
Humbled me
Helped me connect to my defenses, which can only lead to growth and living a more authentic life
Allowed me to be vulnerable
Pushed me into some uncomfortable parts of myself, challenging me to heal.
Revealing your own projections can be painful, yet humbling. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not a weakness – imagine seeing vulnerability as a strength to lead you more towards your truth. Check those stories in your head, clear the air, reveal your projections & defenses, and you’ll be guaranteed to discover deeper connection to yourself and your life. Imagine a world where people did this more often? Imagine.