Tolerating Abundance?

I recently watched a talk on YouTube by Dr Laurence Heller titled, An Introduction to the Neuro Affective Relational Model (NARM) for Healing Developmental Trauma *. In his detailed talk about the NARM model, somewhere along the line, he mentions something about ‘tolerating abundance’. He went on to say that various stunting or disturbances in a child’s development can make their relationship with abundance difficult in adulthood. I was completely wowed by this!

We all want abundance in our lives right? But to what extent can we actually tolerate it? If we are used to experiencing lack in our lives, how do we actually embrace abundance? This lack can translate into lack of love, not feeling safe in the world, lack of money, lack of depth or authenticity in our relationships, lack of stimulation of our talents and much more…err…lack. For those who struggle with tolerating abundance, like myself, we have a warped understanding of abundance. For us, abundance is like that rich Grandmother or family member who comes to town to spoil you during the holidays with anything that you want…and then leaves. Abundance is having treats in your fridge but eating them all in one go because they’re not usually there. Abundance is getting into an amazing relationship but sitting with the irksome feeling that this will end, so we dump all of our insecurities into the relationship forgetting about our strengths. Abundance is having more money at the end of month than month at the end of money, and spending it erratically or unconsciously. We feel deep down that we don’t deserve abundance and our understanding is that abundance ends, so we might as well speed up the process instead of enjoying the juicy fruits that abundance bears. We essentially end up sabotaging our abundant moments because deep down we feel that we don’t deserve it. There is an inherent belief that we have to struggle to get anything good into our lives and if there is no struggle, we feel uncomfortable because we have become comfortable with the struggle. In the world that we live in, it kind of makes sense that many people think like this. We have been taught that our potential for success is far away and probably unreachable or that only a minority of individuals are allowed to achieve success. With all the terrible things happening in the world, why should I be one of the ‘lucky ones’? I have come to learn that the above understanding that I have of abundance is totally fucked. True abundance never really ends BUT abundance can actually overwhelm a person if they have not experienced it consistently.

When I receive something in abundance I initially find it hard to receive: I either feel guilty for having it, I slip into a pattern of self-sabotage or count down the days until this ‘abundance will be over’. I find myself in a catch 22 because I fear not having enough and subconsciously I fear the overwhelming energy when amazing things flow into my life. When I come face to face with my extraordinary talents and power I feel amazing…and then the fear and self-criticism kicks in with crappy thoughts like, ‘maybe I am not that great’ or ‘maybe I should tone down me to make others feel comfortable’. When this kind of thinking kicks in, I usually self-sabotage by over-eating or eating the wrong foods. My hunger becomes so real in these moments. The energy of abundance is so high that I can’t actually tolerate it and with enough food I will numb out. I loathe this pattern. Other people numb out with drugs, neediness and busy-ness for example. It’s funny, but usually we want to numb out to avoid negative emotions…the concept of numbing out to avoid the feeling of abundance…how bizarre right?

So what can we do about it? What can I do about it? I have been referring to ‘we’ a lot, assuming that others identify with this. To take ownership of my shit though, what can I do about this? I have many tools in my own self-healing tool box that range from meditation to yoga to writing in my journal. These generally work however, the one important factor that I feel will work in this case is time. Giving myself time to get used to the feeling of abundance and realizing that even in the perceived moments of lack, there is still abundance in other forms. Practicing gratitude and affirming that ‘I am confident and worthwhile’ and that ‘I deserve love, prosperity and success’ are some other tools that plant the seeds towards developing a healthy relationship with abundance. Commitment is another biggie. Committing to this transition into consistent abundant living and believing that I belong in this world…even though there are wars, even though others are suffering, even though the planet is in environmental crisis. What good will another self-sabotaging, self-depreciating victim do for this world? Feeling guilty for what you have and for living a beautiful life is another way that the ego manifests in order for us to feel relevant or better about ourselves. We think that we must feel that we belong in the struggle: so we complain, we over identify with opinions, we assume no opinions, we stay in our comfort zones and end up essentially purporting the pattern of lack. I must note here that abundance is not excess or entitlement…it is flow of your maximum potential. It is acknowledgement of your own personal power as a spiritual being. Imagine a world where we all embraced this. There would be no need for wars, deaths or actions and beliefs that inflate our egos and put others down. The world might be a more authentic, balanced place. Who am I to think this? Who am I not to?

*An Introduction to the Neuro Affective Relational Model for Healing Developmental Trauma – Dr Laurence Heller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPhasHMSyas